


Shallow

by marcoasensio



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Depressing, Fluff, M/M, at the beginning only tho lmaoaoaoao, because we need more vazkroos gdi, i love lucas sm btw, its like 11pm here, marco reus makes a cameo for like 3 minutes, vazkroos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 23:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17497793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcoasensio/pseuds/marcoasensio
Summary: In which Toni is a famed actor, and when he gets too lonely in a hotel room, he does things he regrets.





	Shallow

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this in a spur because i'm getting into the topic of creative writing for my english a level course, and i feel like i should practice more because i am losing the ability to write oof.
> 
> also, i'm definitely going to edit this in the future. probably in the morning when i wake up and regret posting this. if you find any grammatical errors don't be shy to point it out in the comments. nothing i love more than... criticism :(
> 
> feedback is greatly appreciated, because you would be helping me with my english a level ::::)

There were a lot of people in love with Toni Kroos. He was a decorated actor, already having three Oscars to his name by the tender age of twenty-nine. He had a massive social media following, his name was mentioned in countless headlines almost every week. There were a lot of people in love with Toni Kroos, but he had eyes only for one man.

Lucas. They met at a coffee shop Toni worked at when he was only twenty, a young aspiring German actor, who spoke little English, with dreams that back then, seemed impossible. Lucas, nineteen at that time, took an immediate liking to his barista and after days of goggle-eyed staring and gaping, his friend Sergio gave him a push to pursue it. Then as seasons turn to seasons, as leaves yellowed and dried and fell, only to grow again beautifully in the branches of the big trees in New York City, they fell in love.

Of course, Toni being the same Toni who lacked affection as a child, wasn’t the one who said the first I love you. It had been Lucas. Always Lucas.

They drove up into the hills of Los Angeles all the way from New York, cuddling on a blanket laid out on the trunk of the car. Just the two of them, staring up at the clear nocturnal skies, stars greeting them with warm smiles and the yellow of the moon reflecting off their faces in a perfect angle. Lucas, who was admiring the wondrous night sky, cocked his head to face Toni, wanting to ask him a dumb question about the world, probably, found the German staring at him so contently. His eyes, usually icy blue, were warm whenever Lucas was around. It made him feel small and vulnerable, but it was Toni, the man he was secretly obsessing over, admiring from afar, for nearly a month. It was Toni across him, and he just couldn’t afford to miss the chance in an intimate moment like this.

So he said it. Three words. _“I love you, Toni.”_

Toni looked at him, surprised. For a fleeting moment Lucas thought he’d done a mistake, and he was about to jump off the cliff a few feet away from them, but then Toni gave him the biggest grin he’d ever seen, and said those words back. Lucas glowed, and so did Toni, and if you could see them from afar you would wonder if there were falling stars.

When they got back from their little rendezvous, Toni mustered up all the courage he had in his heart and asked if Lucas wanted to move in with him half a year later. Lucas accepted happily, jumping into his arms. He said yes a thousand times, and kissed him a thousand more. Toni was too focused on Lucas he forgot to think about Sergio– who wasn’t easy to convince.

“If you hurt him I will end you,” Sergio told him menacingly, with a glare. From beside him, Lucas rolled his eyes and shoved him lightly. “I’m completely serious, Kroos. If he comes back to our apartment in tears you will not live to see the next day, you hear me?”

Toni, putting on a tough demeanor, gave Sergio a reassuring nod, equipped with a playful smile. He kept his eyes on Lucas as he said, “Don’t worry, I won’t ever. He’s my treasure.”

Sergio tried to bury a smile. He squinted distrustingly one last time before hugging Lucas, cradling his head in his arms as he always did. He gave the younger man a kiss on the head, before turning to leave for the door. That night, Toni asked Lucas why Sergio acted the way he did.

“He saved my life,” Lucas replied simply, eyes still fixated on the television show playing on his– no, _their_ television set. Seconds later though, he turned his attention towards Toni, and breathed heavily. “You know how my… my father used to hit me and my brother, right? One day it got so bad my brother left. It hurt me, because he was my older brother and he was supposed to be my protector. He just left me with empty promises and a father who never loved me. Sergio found me at a bar with this shiner. He asked me if I was okay, I had too much to drink and spilled everything. He’s five years older than I am so he was twenty-three at that time, but I was still seventeen, just a month short of my eighteenth birthday. We got to know each other, and then on a Thursday– I don’t know why but I remember it was a Thursday– I accidentally shattered a glass cup that was sitting on the edge of the table. My father was the one who left it there. It broke to a million pieces and when I was cleaning it up, he… took a piece and just…”

Lucas’ voice broke. Toni brought him closer, his right arm already swung over Lucas’ shoulder, and engulfed him in a hug. He whispered softly, “You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.”

“No, I need this,” Lucas shook his head, gulping. “He took a piece and he… stabbed… me on the neck with it. I have a scar from it, that’s why I like wearing shawl and turtlenecks. I remember the pain so well, Toni, my neck still aches sometimes. Anyway, I was unconscious for God knows how long. Luckily, I left my jacket over at Sergio’s place, and you know… he found me. Just there. Brought me to a hospital, called the cops. My father took off, so I lived with Sergio until he decided to move up here from Spain. With Iker.”

Toni, filled with pity, gave Lucas a peck on his forehead. Seeing that his boyfriend had little tears falling out of his eyes, Toni took it as his responsibility to wipe it off gently. Lucas let out an exasperated chuckle, and for the first time in their relationship, Toni was the first one who said I love you.

But that was years ago, before Toni’s face was in posters all over the place. From subways to the Times Squares, there wasn’t a soul in New York who didn’t know Toni Kroos. Toni still loved Lucas with all his heart, but time didn’t support their relationship. With shootings and press tours and interviews, time just wasn’t on their side. And it’s not like Toni could just bring around Lucas in his pocket, he had a life outside of Toni too.

Toni’s heart resonated with loneliness as their FaceTime calls became less and less frequent, his manager wanting more of his time, more of his energy, more of his effort. There were times when Toni wanted to just _quit_ this damn job, because it was frustrating. Toni wasn’t a stupid man– he knew his manager and almost everyone who worked with him didn’t give two shits about him. They were exploiting him, using him for money.

And he was okay with it.

* * *

It was a Thursday when Toni woke up in his hotel room with another man beside him. His back was bare, naked. Toni’s head was pounding when he sat up alarmingly. Confused. He massaged his temple, shutting his eyes close. When did the sun get a thousand times brighter?

Then the flashbacks came running to him. The loud musing, the flashing neon pink-and-blue lights, the dancing. He had too much to drink, Toni, and all he remembered were snippets of him grinding on another man. The man was not much taller than him, maybe his height. He smelled of beer and cigarettes and cocaine. The familiar smell of honeydew and lemon Toni longed for wasn’t found anywhere, and his body didn’t fit perfectly around his.

Toni remembered that. He knew the man beside him wasn’t Lucas, he knew his heart shattered into a million pieces when he realized that, and he knew he fucked up. Stumbling out of the bed, Toni headed to the bathroom. His stomach was churning. It was either the alcohol or the guilt, but either way, there were no upsides to this.

“Hey,” he heard a deep voice from the doorway. It was the mysterious man. The mysterious man who definitely was _not_ Lucas.

Toni turned around, mouth still uncomfortable from the vomit. However, he needed to tell the man, whoever he was, to get out. He felt sick of himself. Ashamed. Embarrassed. The mysterious man had dirty blond hair and blue eyes. To be honest, he was good-looking. Attractive. _But he wasn’t Lucas_. Getting up from his hunched position, Toni approached the man, holding his shoulder. “Hey. I… I’m sorry, sir… but you need to get out of here. What we did yesterday was… it was a mistake and I deeply regret it, okay?”

The man’s smile dropped, his eyebrows furrowed in rage. “I know you’re Toni Kroos and all but who do you think I am? I’m not just some one-night stand you can throw away the next day. You told me last night that it was the best sex _you’ve_ ever had. You told me I was hot, and I fucked you so good you want to bring me home and fuck me even more.”

Bile made its way up into Toni’s throat again, but this time, he swallowed it. He felt light-headed. He really said those things?

“Yes, asshole, you really said those things,” the man replied, clearly offended. “My name is not _sir_ , by the way. It’s Marco. You moaned it yesterday with such pleasure. It’s Marco.”

“I’m sorry, Marco,” Toni shifted towards him. The man, however, flinched and took a step back. With an exhausted sigh, he let his hand down. “Look, I have a boyfriend, alright? Back at home. And I love him, I love him so much my body aches and I… I guess I needed to project the pain somewhere.”

“So you came to me?” Marco raised his voice. When Toni didn’t answer, he let out a loud huff, and trotted to the king-sized bed, picking up his clothes angrily. Flipping him out, the man walked out the door, shutting it close with so much force the noise echoed for countable seconds.

Toni buried his face into his hands. It just hit him, what he did. His lips, quivering and fighting to stay put, finally gave up as he let out a roar. It was the roar of a wounded lion, accompanied by tears and wails. Toni had just made the biggest mistake of his life, and there wasn’t enough words to describe the regret that urgently tugged at his heart.

* * *

Toni was set to fly back out to New York the morning after, a 4 A.M. flight. Lazily packing his things, he got into the gray taxi that drove him to the airport. Looking back, he should’ve questioned the dirty looks spared to him by the taxi driver, but it was too early for him to properly function.

During the trip on his company-ensued private jet, he slept. Not peacefully, but he slept. It was a way to forget about his problems, at least for a little while. His heart dropped every time Marco’s face came into his mind. It broke even more when Lucas’ did.

* * *

When he got back home, to the house he and Lucas bought with Toni’s first paycheck as an actor and Lucas’ as a history lecturer, the house was empty. Toni, putting away his luggage to the corner of the house and wanting to greet Lucas first above anything else, called out his name– only for his voice to echo back at him.

His heart raced. Out of instinct, he pulled his phone from his pocket. It had been sitting there for awhile now, Toni not yet touching it ever since the incident with Marco. He found the control center and turned airplane mode off, buffering for a few seconds to connect to the wifi.

It was then his phone bombarded with a million texts at once. Toni expected the worst. With shaking hands, he swiped up his phone. The last, and most frequent, was from his agent. In his text, titled ‘What the fuck?’, was an article attached. Clicking on it, it redirected Toni to a gossip website, famous for its truth and honesty.

“LGBTQIA+ STAR AND ICON TONI KROOS CAUGHT CHEATING” it read. Scrolling down, there was a video of Toni and Marco, dancing around each other. In the thirtieth second, Toni leaned into Marco, kissing the blond with so much passion. Marco, without doubt, returned it. Toni threw his phone across the room, it colliding with the marble walls, broken pieces falling all over the granite floor.

Lucas must’ve found out then. He needed to find him. He needed to apologize, _beg_ for his apology with blood, sweat, and tears. Hopping into his car, he drove to the first place his mind traveled to– Sergio’s new house.

* * *

Toni knocked on it vigorously. After what seemed like minutes, the wooden door flung open. Sergio was at the door, a furious look on his face. It took him a split second to raise up his fist, punching Toni in the face. Groaning in pain, the German held his nose protectively. It bled, but it wasn’t broken. “I deserved that.”

“What the fuck did I say, Kroos?” Sergio’s loud voice boomed around the private neighborhood. The colossal doors to the other houses near Sergio’s opened. As human nature suggests, people just needed to _know_ in order to be satisfied. “How dare you– how dare you show up here? Leave my fucking house, leave my _fucking_ property before I get the cops here to shoo you away.”

“Sergio, please, let me just–”

“Do you want a restraining order?” Sergio yelled. His eyes were still widened, blazed with literal anger. Toni was always intimidated by Sergio, sure, but he never saw him as an actual threat. At least not until now. “Or do you want a trip to the hospital?”

“I just want to talk to him,” Toni responded calmly. He knew yelling back at Sergio wouldn’t do him any good, only harm. “I want to apologize. I don’t even need him to forgive me. Just let me talk to him, _please_.”

“Let him in, Sese,” a small voice said from behind the Sevillan, who seemed bigger than ever at this moment. Lucas was there, in the hallway, in a cream sweater, sweatpants, and socks. Toni almost cried upon seeing him. Sergio, seemingly hesitant at first, eventually got out of the way, making way for Toni. He walked inside the house slowly, and the closer he got to Lucas, the harder he found keeping those tears at bay. Lucas looked at him with a look of betrayal, eyes bloodshot. Toni hated himself. Years ago he’d promise himself he would never want to be the reason a tear falls off his face, but lying to himself had always been Toni’s expertise. “Sergio, can you… give us space?”

Sergio glared at Toni one last time, before leaving the door to his own house shut. Toni’s tears fell, pouring down like a freefalling waterfall, no riverbank below to support its waters. Toni didn’t cry for himself, no, he cried for the boy before him. The boy who’s known nothing but heartbreak and disappointed. Lucas trusted him enough to read him the pages of his dark past, yet Toni had taken it into his advantage and added more to his sufferings. “Lucas, I’m sorry.”

Lucas laughed bitterly, hot tears forming in his own brown eyes. “That’s it?”

Toni shook his head. He sunk down to both his knees, looking up at Lucas with his ocean eyes. The ice has melted. “I’m sorry. I was lonely. I needed you. I missed you, I _craved_ you. I needed to make it stop. I needed to make the pain stop, so I did that by drinking myself to the point of total intoxication where I don’t even know myself anymore. God, I– I wish I would rather die, from over-consuming too much alcohol than sleeping with that worthless son of a bitch. I love you, Lucas. You and no one else. I love you so much.”

Lucas only gave him a cold stare. “I spent two days crying. Non stop. I trusted you, I handed you my heart and you basically played around with it, dropping it like some kind of… fucking stone that could never break. I’m not the one with a heart of stone here, you are. God, I… I told you everything, Toni. You know how much I hate cheaters, because my father was one and my mom _left_ because of that. You know what, you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I never met you.”

“Don’t say that, please don’t say that,” Toni was full on sobbing now, his face red from the tears, snot blocking his breathing airways. “Lucas, please. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive myself, but please, don’t give up on us just yet. Time, time will heal all wounds. Just give us time. Don’t give up on us.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous, Toni,” Lucas wiped his tears aggressively, his gray sweater tainted wet. “Sergio’s waiting for me outside. I’m going to go back home, to the house _we_ bought. You find a hotel because I don’t want to see your face ever again.”

“No, no, no,” Toni fawned over the cold floor of Sergio’s house, his hands trying to blindly catch Lucas’ legs that were making its way to the front entrance. “Lucas, please. Don’t go. Please. I’ll do anything, please, don’t leave me. Please. Lucas–”

His own voice was cut short by the door shutting loudly before him. Weeping, Toni laid on the floor. He was pathetic. It wasn’t even his own house. His sobs felt rough upon his throat, hurting it. It was bitter. His eyes burned as well. Funny, he didn’t know water could burn.

Toni never left the floor.

* * *

Toni drove back home, gray clouds constantly looming darkness over him. Toni’s heart ached to the point where it was just numb. He couldn’t feel. He just drove, hands set on the steering wheel, staring into the great nothingness. Honks brought him back to reality, but honestly, Toni wouldn’t mind if one of the cars just crashed into his and ended his life at that moment.

He entered the house, shoulders slumped. Neither Lucas nor Sergio were there. Panic bubbling into his chest, Toni shuffled into their room– only to find Lucas’ belongings gone. Scrummaging through the closet, devastated sounds came out from his mouth every now and then.

He was about to check the spare bedroom, when a bright, yellow note caught his attention. It was written in Sergio’s handwriting, he knew that by now.

 _Don’t search for us_ , it read.

Lucas left.

**Author's Note:**

> :')


End file.
